South Dakota police were on high alert this weekend as a notorious horse-and-buggy Mennonite gang known as ‘The Swartzentrubers’ descended on Sturgis for the annual motorcycle rally. Authorities were concerned that the introduction of more than 10,000 Mennonite and Amish buggies would not be received well by the more established biker gangs.
“I don’t want horse shit all over my Harley tires!” said rival chapter leader Archie Harrison. “Let me tell you, this is our turf and if those Mennonites so much as open a hymnal around here there’ll be hell to pay!”
The conservative Mennonites and Amish arrived in Sturgis on Friday, causing considerable confusion for the more than 800,000 leather-clad bikers who showed up.
“I like the fact they wear black,” said one biker. “But their women are a little over-dressed for Sturgis, and not a single one of them has a tattoo…that I can see, anyway.”
Things got heated when Johan Yoder, one of the most high-ranking members of the Mennonite club, attempted to hold an evening service in front of One Eyed Jacks Saloon on Main Street.
The service lasted just two minutes before the Mennonites were completely surrounded by bikers who threatened to send them back to Pennsylvania on the next train out of town.
“We thought we were doomed,” said Yoder, “but then quick-thinking Mrs. Yoder got out her collection of lovely pictorial quilts. The crowd went quiet. Moments later, however, a bidding frenzy began. Let me tell you, it was the best quilt auction we’ve ever had.”
The Mennonites left Sturgis on Monday with fond memories and a little bit of pocket change, while more than a thousand bikers left town with an amazing handmade quilt they’ll be sure to treasure for years to come.